“Shorter of breath and one day closer to death!” A friend used to send me this Pink Floyd verse as a birthday greeting. I used to think it’s a depressing way to think about birthdays, and time in general. Yet now, I believe it’s a good reminder to live life fully, regardless of the circumstances. Because, we’re always living one second closer to death. Changing prospectives helps to embrace life fully, relax and enjoy the present moment.
One day in late December last year, I came to the realization that I spent most of 2020 in resistance. Resisting what is, fighting the inevitable realities of the world around me, refusing to accept, feel and process all the pain. Dwelling on what could’ve, should’ve been if only… Until I couldn’t anymore. I made a conscious decision to stop resisting and practice surrender. To start accepting, feeling and letting go. To consciously choose trust and gratitude. I experience the same realities of the predominant culture of fear, mistrust, scarcity, hypocrisy, injustice and tyranny. I see my loved ones suffering, complaining and resisting. I feel the contractions in my body. My muscles tensing up. Knots in my stomach and throat. Tears welling up in my eyes. My head repeating “this is wrong! This shouldn’t be! This is totally fu¢kd up! I can’t believe this is happening…etc”. I close my eyes. I change the channel. I repeat my mantra: “Trust. Gratitude. Everything is perfect the way it is. There’s higher wisdom in it all. Everyone has to go through their own journey. Mother Nature always prevails. She works in her own ways, which don’t conform to limited human understanding. Trust the process.” I breathe, cry, dance, move. Feel my body relax. Come back to a place of trust and acceptance. All is well. All will be well. I’ve been through this process before. Everything changes and this too, shall pass. “There will be laughter after pain. There will be sunshine after rain”* I think of all the times when things got so desperate then got resolved. Of the little and big triumphs, joyful moments and the lessons I learnt that made me happier, wiser and more resilient. And now I really feel the trust and gratitude in my body. It changes from a mere intellectual idea to a visceral, limbic sensation in my muscles and organs. I imagine putting on a slippery Aura. Negative emotions slide down to mother Earth. She’s capable of transforming them into healing elixirs, just like she does with plants. Everything happens for a reason. Everything changes. I start focusing on what I can do instead of what I can’t do. For example, focus on studying Spanish instead of lamenting that I cannot go to Spain. Pragmatically, resistance didn’t serve me well. It didn’t change what’s happening. It only made my experience more painful and often made me physically sick.
For those who were negatively affected by my staunch resistance, I offer you my sincere, heartfelt Ho’opono’pono prayer: “Forgive me. I’m sorry. Thank you. I love you!”
I choose and will always be a stand for Love, Trust, Gratitude, Forgiveness, Abundance and Healing!
* From Dire Strait’s song “Why Worry”
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