Unconditional Love

“What’s the most violent thing you can say to someone?” My “Nonviolent Communication” (NVC) teacher asked. Students answered with insults, swear words and other degrading comments but none of them matched what the teacher had in mind. When we finally gave up, his answer surprised us all. At the time, I didn’t fully grasp the concept. But the seed he planted kept me thinking for days and weeks afterwards. The more I pay attention, the more I realize that he’s right.
The worst violence is the subtle backhanded one where the victim is, not only not aware that they’re being controlled (and therefore abused), but they’re also fooled into believing that the perpetrator has their best interest in mind. Violence wrapped in deceit is much more damaging than direct attacks. It’s much more difficult to recover from. As Mark Twain said “It’s easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled”.

My NVC teacher paused and said slowly: “You are special!”. I wasn’t sure what was happening. Was he talking to someone in the front row? Will he continue with a story? Nope. He stopped. Then resumed “That’s the most violent thing you can say to a person: You’re Special!” What, what?!?
He went on to explain: “That’s a power-over technique. Now that you made them ‘special’ in some way (includes: most beautiful, sexiest, one and only, best x, God’s chosen person/people, superior person/race…etc), they’ll do anything to keep that status. Since you’re the one giving it to them, you can easily control them by the explicit or perceived threat of making them ‘not special’. Sadly, this system of abuse is so common and integrated in our culture and school system that we believe it’s normal”. KABOOM!! Holy Fu¢k! The gears in my head started churning.

Given how our brains are wired, it’s totally a manipulation technique for which we all fall. How many times have we lied, cheated, suppressed, oppressed, abused ourselves and others in order to maintain some arbitrary status given to us by another? Typically disguised as “I don’t want to hurt them”, “I just want to look good”, “keeping the ‘peace'”, “fitting in”, “being nice”… Really?!?
We live in constant fear of losing our special privileges/handouts to the point that we are willing to kill for it. Imperialists use this power-over manipulation all the time. They empower a minority (politicians, religious figure heads, media influencers, the underdogs…etc) to be completely reliant on them and do their dirty work for them.

Don’t get me wrong, when your specialness is authentic, legitimately earned and rooted in self love and care, that’s healthy and unshakable. But when it’s given to you by an outside authority, that makes demands on you, you’ve been enslaved.
If you pay close attention, you’ll see the manipulation, brainwashing and abuse all around you. As close as your mirror all the way to global crises; consumerism, religions, patriarchy, wars, genocide…etc. Who’s daddy’s “special” person? This bad guy over there wants to steal your “specialness”… You get my drift?

“So when I give someone a compliment, am I manipulating them?”, I asked my NVC teacher. “It’s a compliment when it refers to an action or a specific situation. It’s abuse when it’s a blanket judgement or decree”.
“It was very kind of you to help me with my homework yesterday” vs “You’re the kindest person ever!”
“I feel a strong attraction to you and a desire for long term intimacy” vs “You’re my one and only, let’s live happily ever after”…etc.
And that’s how it ties in to Nonviolent Communication (NVC)!

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