Tears. Lots of tears. Overwhelming sadness, emptiness and despair. I lost my sense of purpose and humor. What used to make me happy ceased to do so. I felt confused and didn’t know how to kick this dark night of the soul. Existential angst came on unexpectedly and for no apparent reason. I am living in paradise with my beloved. Getting healthy doses of exercise, Nature, tropical fruit and love. Just spent an amazing weekend of discovery and release at Innerdance* Immersion retreat. It cracked me open and helped me shed a lot of trauma and reframe bad experiences. I was on a high…then Bam! Lots of sadness and disorientation. Feeling stuck, bored, lethargic. No interest in doing anything. It was a good reminder to “not judge a book by its cover”. My life on paper and social media looks idyllic and fancy. Yet I’m feeling an unbearable heaviness. Like I’m carrying the unexpressed pain of suffering beings. 2 days later, I received news that a dear relative died in a car accident. Shock. Very sad for her young children. I caught myself thinking “lucky her. She doesn’t have to figure out what to do with her life anymore”. I felt more sad for thinking that way. “Am I depressed? Why?” Everything triggered me. I knew it was an inside job though and didn’t act on my triggers, mostly. I kept putting one foot in front of the other: Breathing. Feeling. Witnessing. Engaging in daily routines. Crying. Sleeping a lot. Immersing myself in Nature. Moving my body. Cutting open coconuts (great emotional release). 2 weeks or so later, I woke up feeling grateful again. Just like that. The dark cloud lifted and sunshine seeped through my soul again. Just as suddenly as it came, it went. I still haven’t figured out the meaning of life or “what now”. There is still a lot of suffering in the world. But it doesn’t seem to matter. It all passes like clouds in the sky. Everything does. Life’s highs and lows, ebbs and flows, it all just goes. No matter how deep or painful life may seem, when we surrender, feel and emote, it all passes. As Gibran Khalil Gibran said: “إنما الناس سطور، كتبت، لكن بماء”: “For people are but lines, written in water!”
* Innerdance is like tripping on sounds. A Shamanic journey using sound waves, music and primal vibrations. Many have likened it to an Ayahuasca journey but without injesting anything.
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